how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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