Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
