I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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