Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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