She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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