Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
it was like eating out sand paper
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You need a sexual gate keeper
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
