happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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