with your own penis?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
