y did u give ur computer a hand job?
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
