Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
