its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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