your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
