I think i peed on brittanys purse
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
