Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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