You just made me feel so damn special
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
