You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
