I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
