My liver just broke up with me...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
