mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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