Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
