I wish my penis had an off switch
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
