i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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