mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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