I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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