he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
