My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
