it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
