Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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