Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
