Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
