I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
