im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
