I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
