Your mouth is God's brothel.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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