I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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