just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
