I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Randomize
