we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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