HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
