I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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