if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I am one with the molecules
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Randomize
