I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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