too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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