I think I died a long time ago.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
