I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
