you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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