I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
