So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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