Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
