Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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