i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
