Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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