Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
