Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
