My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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