Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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