the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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